oh, the sense of guilt…

Yesterday, I let temptation take over and decided to leave my baby with his ex-nanny so that the hubby and I could watch Transformers at Midvalley. If you’ve read my previous post, you would know that I dislike the ex-nanny (hence she’s the “ex”). But her daughter was really missing Shane and wanted to spend some time with him. She kept on bugging us to “go on a date”, and she’ll baby sit him for us for nothing. We thought about it for 2 weeks and decided that a few short hours would do no harm.

With Shane’s stuff packed in a bag with all the possible items imaginable for a baby, we dropped him off at 10:30 am after giving a barrage of instructions of what time to feed him, what not to give, and what time to put him to nap. The moment I left him, I felt such guilt. I’ve abandoned my baby. OK, I know, I’m too dramatic, but I felt really bad. Here is a perfectly good Sunday to spend more time with my kid and I chose Transformers over him. The show was excellent though, and for a couple of hours, I forgot about him. But the moment it ended, I couldn’t wait to get back to my son. Darn, how could I have forgotten about him for those 2 hours? Is he ok? Is he sleeping way too much? (trust me, I weren’t being paranoid. The ex-nanny is one big cuckoo!)

When we arrived at 5:30pm, Shane was looking a bit stone. The ex-nanny said he was about to fall asleep (again!). I’m like what??? Din I give her strict instructions to nap him from 2 – 3 plus only? No more napping after 4:30pm, but apparently she has “forgotten” about it (as always). When Shane reached home, he was cranky all the way until 8:30pm. He was crying for no reason, refused to play in his pen, and wants to be carried all the time. He was fussing and that is a rare thing for my son as he is usually quite cheerful and don’t mind playing on his own. When I finally had the time to check his stuff in the bag, I realized the 18oz milk that I put in 3 separate compartments were left almost intact! I gave specific instructions to give him 6 oz of milk after his nap. It’s a milk container, damnit!! Just open up the top and pop the ALREADY MEASURED out formula into 6oz of water and voila! Serve to the baby. How difficult is that? But no, when I checked, only about 2 – 3 oz was used. This is ridiculous. Why would she give a growing boy a mere 3 oz of milk? When Shane was under her care last time, he was already taking 5 oz. And that was only 1.5 months back that we discontinued her service!!

Truly, she baffles me – over and over again! I could not understand what goes through her mind (or what not!). Because it was a favor that she babysits him for us, we didn’t question her over the issue. But one thing we vow, that would be the 1st and final time we will ever leave our son with her.

Oh, and you know what? Shane refused to sleep at his usual time last night. Hmm…. I wonder why?? DUH!

the big picture…

sometimes, after a few years of marriage and a kid in tow, you wonder what happened to romance.

your conversations circle around how many times the baby poop in one day or what porridge to make for him the next day. when you do say more than a few words to each other, it’ll most likely be an argument. whose turn is it to do night feeds? whose turn is it to put the baby to sleep when he wakes up at 3am and wants to play? do you draw sticks or do you utter a few spiteful words to each other and the one with the last words wins?

what do you do for fun? romantic dinners, the movies, and a holiday? OR the playground, tumbletots, and hypermarkets?

how are special occasions celebrated? an elaborate month-long planning for a full-day event on a birthday with hidden surprises along the way, OR “I’m too tired and I didn’t plan anything, happy birthday by the way”?

today, i was chatting with a friend on her 3rd wedding anniversary. I’m glad to see that romance is still very alive in her relationship although she has been with the same guy for years. sometimes, I wonder how people keep the steam going for years. i don’t know if I admire it, envy it, or don’t give a damn about it. I guess it takes two to tango. or maybe if one makes the effort, the other half will naturally want to put in some effort as well. or perhaps, after having given it a try far too often and not getting the desired response, one just stops trying after a while. I really don’t know. perhaps it is a little enviable, perhaps it is not. perhaps there is a little nagging feeling… will it all be the same again? will things be “normal” again? but what is “normal”?

how sensitive should we be to each other’s needs and feelings? are we missing something here? are we too tired at the end of the day to show our appreciation? or does our words and appreciation always come out sounding wrong? does our compliments for each other get misinterpreted?

this isn’t a complain, this isn’t a cry for attention, and by no means is this an insult to be misintepreted. this is a thought; a step back to look at the big picture. we should always reserve that last bit of energy for each other, with or without a kid. reserve that last 5 minutes of our waking hours for each other. reserve that smile, hug or kiss at the end of the day.

i’m looking at my big picture. it appears cloudy…